Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Half the people you know are below average.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Is there another word for synonym?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Logo Design Questionnaire
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