If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do people in China call their good plates?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Half the people you know are below average.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Is there another word for synonym?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Logo Design Questionnaire
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