How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Half the people you know are below average.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Is there another word for synonym?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Logo Design Questionnaire
Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!