Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Half the people you know are below average.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Is there another word for synonym?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Logo Design Questionnaire
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