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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Is there another word for synonym?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Half the people you know are below average.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Logo Design Questionnaire

Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!

  • What is the name or your company, product or service for which you are seeking a logo? It should reflect exactly what you want in your logo. For example, "inc." - in or out?
  • Do you have a specific deadline by which the logo must be completed (ASAP is not a date!)?
  • Describe your company/product in one word.
  • What other words describe your company/product?
  • Name three words that indicate how you wish your clients/customers to perceive you/your company/product.
  • Who is/are your main competitors?
  • What words and/or icons MUST be included in the logo?
  • What words and/or icons would you like to be included in the logo, if possible/feasible?
  • Name three logos you really like, and why.
  • Name three logos you really don't like, and why.
  • Do you have a tag line or slogan you wish to include with your logo? If yes, enter it here.
  • Who is your audience/customer/client?
  • What color/s would you like in the logo? Please be specific - i.e. if blue, which blue?
  • Are there any colors that should be avoided?
  • Is there anything else you want me to know that will help me design an appropriate and optimal logo for your company/product.
  • Drop files here or
    Accepted file types: jpg, gif, png, pdf.
    Please use this link if you have any images you'd like to show me.