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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Half the people you know are below average.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Is there another word for synonym?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Logo Design Questionnaire

Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!

  • What is the name or your company, product or service for which you are seeking a logo? It should reflect exactly what you want in your logo. For example, "inc." - in or out?
  • Do you have a specific deadline by which the logo must be completed (ASAP is not a date!)?
  • Describe your company/product in one word.
  • What other words describe your company/product?
  • Name three words that indicate how you wish your clients/customers to perceive you/your company/product.
  • Who is/are your main competitors?
  • What words and/or icons MUST be included in the logo?
  • What words and/or icons would you like to be included in the logo, if possible/feasible?
  • Name three logos you really like, and why.
  • Name three logos you really don't like, and why.
  • Do you have a tag line or slogan you wish to include with your logo? If yes, enter it here.
  • Who is your audience/customer/client?
  • What color/s would you like in the logo? Please be specific - i.e. if blue, which blue?
  • Are there any colors that should be avoided?
  • Is there anything else you want me to know that will help me design an appropriate and optimal logo for your company/product.
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