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If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Half the people you know are below average.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Is there another word for synonym?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Logo Design Questionnaire

Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!

  • What is the name or your company, product or service for which you are seeking a logo? It should reflect exactly what you want in your logo. For example, "inc." - in or out?
  • Do you have a specific deadline by which the logo must be completed (ASAP is not a date!)?
  • Describe your company/product in one word.
  • What other words describe your company/product?
  • Name three words that indicate how you wish your clients/customers to perceive you/your company/product.
  • Who is/are your main competitors?
  • What words and/or icons MUST be included in the logo?
  • What words and/or icons would you like to be included in the logo, if possible/feasible?
  • Name three logos you really like, and why.
  • Name three logos you really don't like, and why.
  • Do you have a tag line or slogan you wish to include with your logo? If yes, enter it here.
  • Who is your audience/customer/client?
  • What color/s would you like in the logo? Please be specific - i.e. if blue, which blue?
  • Are there any colors that should be avoided?
  • Is there anything else you want me to know that will help me design an appropriate and optimal logo for your company/product.
  • Drop files here or
    Accepted file types: jpg, gif, png, pdf.
    Please use this link if you have any images you'd like to show me.