Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Is there another word for synonym?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
What do people in China call their good plates?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Logo Design Questionnaire
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