If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Half the people you know are below average.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is there another word for synonym?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Logo Design Questionnaire
Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!