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Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Half the people you know are below average.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

What do people in China call their good plates?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Banning the bra was a big flop.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Is there another word for synonym?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Logo Design Questionnaire

Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!

  • What is the name or your company, product or service for which you are seeking a logo? It should reflect exactly what you want in your logo. For example, "inc." - in or out?
  • Do you have a specific deadline by which the logo must be completed (ASAP is not a date!)?
  • Describe your company/product in one word.
  • What other words describe your company/product?
  • Name three words that indicate how you wish your clients/customers to perceive you/your company/product.
  • Who is/are your main competitors?
  • What words and/or icons MUST be included in the logo?
  • What words and/or icons would you like to be included in the logo, if possible/feasible?
  • Name three logos you really like, and why.
  • Name three logos you really don't like, and why.
  • Do you have a tag line or slogan you wish to include with your logo? If yes, enter it here.
  • Who is your audience/customer/client?
  • What color/s would you like in the logo? Please be specific - i.e. if blue, which blue?
  • Are there any colors that should be avoided?
  • Is there anything else you want me to know that will help me design an appropriate and optimal logo for your company/product.
  • Drop files here or
    Accepted file types: jpg, gif, png, pdf.
    Please use this link if you have any images you'd like to show me.