99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
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