With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Half the people you know are below average.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
What do people in China call their good plates?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Logo Design Questionnaire
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