Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is there another word for synonym?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Logo Design Questionnaire
Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!