If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Half the people you know are below average.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
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