Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Half the people you know are below average.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is there another word for synonym?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
What do people in China call their good plates?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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