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If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Is there another word for synonym?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Half the people you know are below average.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Logo Design Questionnaire

Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!

  • What is the name or your company, product or service for which you are seeking a logo? It should reflect exactly what you want in your logo. For example, "inc." - in or out?
  • Do you have a specific deadline by which the logo must be completed (ASAP is not a date!)?
  • Describe your company/product in one word.
  • What other words describe your company/product?
  • Name three words that indicate how you wish your clients/customers to perceive you/your company/product.
  • Who is/are your main competitors?
  • What words and/or icons MUST be included in the logo?
  • What words and/or icons would you like to be included in the logo, if possible/feasible?
  • Name three logos you really like, and why.
  • Name three logos you really don't like, and why.
  • Do you have a tag line or slogan you wish to include with your logo? If yes, enter it here.
  • Who is your audience/customer/client?
  • What color/s would you like in the logo? Please be specific - i.e. if blue, which blue?
  • Are there any colors that should be avoided?
  • Is there anything else you want me to know that will help me design an appropriate and optimal logo for your company/product.
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