I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What do people in China call their good plates?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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