Half the people you know are below average.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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