A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Half the people you know are below average.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Is there another word for synonym?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Logo Design Questionnaire
Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!