Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What do people in China call their good plates?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Is there another word for synonym?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Half the people you know are below average.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Logo Design Questionnaire
Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!