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Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Half the people you know are below average.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Logo Design Questionnaire

Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!

  • What is the name or your company, product or service for which you are seeking a logo? It should reflect exactly what you want in your logo. For example, "inc." - in or out?
  • Do you have a specific deadline by which the logo must be completed (ASAP is not a date!)?
  • Describe your company/product in one word.
  • What other words describe your company/product?
  • Name three words that indicate how you wish your clients/customers to perceive you/your company/product.
  • Who is/are your main competitors?
  • What words and/or icons MUST be included in the logo?
  • What words and/or icons would you like to be included in the logo, if possible/feasible?
  • Name three logos you really like, and why.
  • Name three logos you really don't like, and why.
  • Do you have a tag line or slogan you wish to include with your logo? If yes, enter it here.
  • Who is your audience/customer/client?
  • What color/s would you like in the logo? Please be specific - i.e. if blue, which blue?
  • Are there any colors that should be avoided?
  • Is there anything else you want me to know that will help me design an appropriate and optimal logo for your company/product.
  • Drop files here or
    Accepted file types: jpg, gif, png, pdf, Max. file size: 12 MB.
      Please use this link if you have any images you'd like to show me.