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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

How is it possible to have a civil war?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Half the people you know are below average.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Is there another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Logo Design Questionnaire

Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!

  • What is the name or your company, product or service for which you are seeking a logo? It should reflect exactly what you want in your logo. For example, "inc." - in or out?
  • Do you have a specific deadline by which the logo must be completed (ASAP is not a date!)?
  • Describe your company/product in one word.
  • What other words describe your company/product?
  • Name three words that indicate how you wish your clients/customers to perceive you/your company/product.
  • Who is/are your main competitors?
  • What words and/or icons MUST be included in the logo?
  • What words and/or icons would you like to be included in the logo, if possible/feasible?
  • Name three logos you really like, and why.
  • Name three logos you really don't like, and why.
  • Do you have a tag line or slogan you wish to include with your logo? If yes, enter it here.
  • Who is your audience/customer/client?
  • What color/s would you like in the logo? Please be specific - i.e. if blue, which blue?
  • Are there any colors that should be avoided?
  • Is there anything else you want me to know that will help me design an appropriate and optimal logo for your company/product.
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    Please use this link if you have any images you'd like to show me.