Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What do people in China call their good plates?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Is there another word for synonym?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Half the people you know are below average.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
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