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The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Is there another word for synonym?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Half the people you know are below average.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Logo Design Questionnaire

Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!

  • What is the name or your company, product or service for which you are seeking a logo? It should reflect exactly what you want in your logo. For example, "inc." - in or out?
  • Do you have a specific deadline by which the logo must be completed (ASAP is not a date!)?
  • Describe your company/product in one word.
  • What other words describe your company/product?
  • Name three words that indicate how you wish your clients/customers to perceive you/your company/product.
  • Who is/are your main competitors?
  • What words and/or icons MUST be included in the logo?
  • What words and/or icons would you like to be included in the logo, if possible/feasible?
  • Name three logos you really like, and why.
  • Name three logos you really don't like, and why.
  • Do you have a tag line or slogan you wish to include with your logo? If yes, enter it here.
  • Who is your audience/customer/client?
  • What color/s would you like in the logo? Please be specific - i.e. if blue, which blue?
  • Are there any colors that should be avoided?
  • Is there anything else you want me to know that will help me design an appropriate and optimal logo for your company/product.
  • Drop files here or
    Accepted file types: jpg, gif, png, pdf.
    Please use this link if you have any images you'd like to show me.