Select Page

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Half the people you know are below average.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Is there another word for synonym?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Logo Design Questionnaire

Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!

  • What is the name or your company, product or service for which you are seeking a logo? It should reflect exactly what you want in your logo. For example, "inc." - in or out?
  • Do you have a specific deadline by which the logo must be completed (ASAP is not a date!)?
  • Describe your company/product in one word.
  • What other words describe your company/product?
  • Name three words that indicate how you wish your clients/customers to perceive you/your company/product.
  • Who is/are your main competitors?
  • What words and/or icons MUST be included in the logo?
  • What words and/or icons would you like to be included in the logo, if possible/feasible?
  • Name three logos you really like, and why.
  • Name three logos you really don't like, and why.
  • Do you have a tag line or slogan you wish to include with your logo? If yes, enter it here.
  • Who is your audience/customer/client?
  • What color/s would you like in the logo? Please be specific - i.e. if blue, which blue?
  • Are there any colors that should be avoided?
  • Is there anything else you want me to know that will help me design an appropriate and optimal logo for your company/product.
  • Drop files here or
    Max. file size: 2 GB.
      Please use this link if you have any images you'd like to show me.