Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Half the people you know are below average.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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