Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Half the people you know are below average.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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