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If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Half the people you know are below average.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Is there another word for synonym?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

What do people in China call their good plates?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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