Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Half the people you know are below average.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Banning the bra was a big flop.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Is there another word for synonym?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
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