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Half the people you know are below average.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Is there another word for synonym?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do people in China call their good plates?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

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