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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Is there another word for synonym?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Half the people you know are below average.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

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