You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Half the people you know are below average.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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