Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is there another word for synonym?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Half the people you know are below average.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
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