If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Is there another word for synonym?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Half the people you know are below average.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
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