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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Half the people you know are below average.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Is there another word for synonym?

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