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You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Half the people you know are below average.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

What do people in China call their good plates?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Is there another word for synonym?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

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