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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Half the people you know are below average.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Is there another word for synonym?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

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