How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Is there another word for synonym?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Half the people you know are below average.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
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