A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is there another word for synonym?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Half the people you know are below average.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
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