Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Half the people you know are below average.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
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