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Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Is there another word for synonym?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Half the people you know are below average.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

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