Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Half the people you know are below average.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
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