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Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

How is it possible to have a civil war?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Half the people you know are below average.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do people in China call their good plates?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Is there another word for synonym?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

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