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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Is there another word for synonym?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

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