A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Is there another word for synonym?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Half the people you know are below average.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
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