Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Is there another word for synonym?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Half the people you know are below average.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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