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What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Half the people you know are below average.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Is there another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

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