Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Is there another word for synonym?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
What do people in China call their good plates?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Half the people you know are below average.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
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