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Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Half the people you know are below average.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Is there another word for synonym?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

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