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Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

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