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Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Half the people you know are below average.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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