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Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Is there another word for synonym?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Half the people you know are below average.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

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