Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Is there another word for synonym?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Half the people you know are below average.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What do people in China call their good plates?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?