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Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Half the people you know are below average.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Is there another word for synonym?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

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