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Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Half the people you know are below average.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

What do people in China call their good plates?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

A backwards poet writes inverse.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Is there another word for synonym?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

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