Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Half the people you know are below average.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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