Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Is there another word for synonym?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What do people in China call their good plates?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Half the people you know are below average.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
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