Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Half the people you know are below average.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
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