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Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Is there another word for synonym?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

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