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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

What do people in China call their good plates?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Half the people you know are below average.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

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