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Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Half the people you know are below average.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Is there another word for synonym?

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