Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Is there another word for synonym?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
