I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Is there another word for synonym?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.