If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Half the people you know are below average.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is there another word for synonym?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
