If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Half the people you know are below average.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is there another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
