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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Is there another word for synonym?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Half the people you know are below average.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Logo Design


If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.

Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.

Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.