What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Half the people you know are below average.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Is there another word for synonym?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
