If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Half the people you know are below average.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
