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Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Half the people you know are below average.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

What do people in China call their good plates?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Is there another word for synonym?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Logo Design


If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.

Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.

Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.