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Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Half the people you know are below average.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Is there another word for synonym?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Logo Design

 

If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.

Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.

Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.