Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Is there another word for synonym?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Half the people you know are below average.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
