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Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

What do people in China call their good plates?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Half the people you know are below average.

Logo Design

 

If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.

Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.

Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.