Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Is there another word for synonym?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Half the people you know are below average.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
