The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Is there another word for synonym?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Half the people you know are below average.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
What do people in China call their good plates?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
