What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What do people in China call their good plates?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Is there another word for synonym?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
