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Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What do people in China call their good plates?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Is there another word for synonym?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Half the people you know are below average.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Logo Design

 

If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.

Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.

Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.