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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

What do people in China call their good plates?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Is there another word for synonym?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Logo Design

 

If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.

Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.

Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.