Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
What do people in China call their good plates?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Is there another word for synonym?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.