Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Is there another word for synonym?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Business Practices
I am “Highly Excessible“ – I am nearly always available to go above and beyond!
No, I didn’t spell it correctly and yes, I did make it up!
As much as I’d like to be available to all my clients, all the time, I have to take those other clients into account… So I’ve created these business practices to hopefully keep everyone satisfied!
Practices:
- Project time is billed in 15 minute increments
- Minimum billing time is half an hour (1/2 hour)
- Projects are invoiced at the end of every month
- Invoices will be emailed to clients and are due upon receipt
- Rush projects are subject to a 50% surcharge (typically those needed within 24 hours)
- Projects requested to be worked on the weekend are subject to a 50% surcharge
- Projects requested to be worked on after hours are subject to a 50% surcharge
- Communication is key!
Payments:
Payments can be sent either by check to:
Empower Graphics
288 Dorset G
Boca Raton, FL 33434
Or contactless via PayPal – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account! Click here to make a payment!
Hourly Billing Agreement
You have retained us on an hourly basis. We will bill you for graphic design, and/or any other required services, at a rate previously discussed and indicated below.
COSTS: You agree to pay for all actual out-of-pocket costs we incur on your behalf and upon your authorization.
BILLING: We will bill you on a bimonthly basis for services performed in the preceding two weeks. The emailed invoice will identify the services performed, the time spent on these services, the fees charged for those services, and costs incurred. You have ten (10) days from the date of the invoice to contest any charges contained in the bill. If we do not hear from you, the bill will be deemed acceptable to you and we will expect immediate payment (see above for easy payment methods).
Please fill out this form so I can commence, and continue, creating for you on an hourly basis, as per my business practices as explained above.