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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Half the people you know are below average.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Is there another word for synonym?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What do people in China call their good plates?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Business Practices

 

I am “Highly Excessible“ – I am nearly always available to go above and beyond!

No, I didn’t spell it correctly and yes, I did make it up!

As much as I’d like to be available to all my clients, all the time, I have to take those other clients into account… So I’ve created these business practices to hopefully keep everyone satisfied!

Practices:

  • Project time is billed in 15 minute increments
  • Minimum billing time is half an hour (1/2 hour)
  • Projects are invoiced on the 15th and at the end of every month
  • Invoices will be emailed to clients and are due upon receipt
  • Rush projects are subject to a 50% surcharge (typically those needed within 24 hours)
  • Communication is key!

Payments:

Payments can be sent either by check to:

Empower Graphics
288 Dorset G
Boca Raton, FL 33434

Or contactless via PayPal – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account! Click here to make a payment!

 

Hourly Billing Agreement

You have retained us on an hourly basis. We will bill you for graphic design, and/or any other required services, at a rate previously discussed and indicated below.

COSTS: You agree to pay for all actual out-of-pocket costs we incur on your behalf and upon your authorization.

BILLING: We will bill you on a bimonthly basis for services performed in the preceding two weeks. The emailed invoice will identify the services performed, the time spent on these services, the fees charged for those services, and costs incurred. You have ten (10) days from the date of the invoice to contest any charges contained in the bill. If we do not hear from you, the bill will be deemed acceptable to you and we will expect immediate payment (see above for easy payment methods).

Please fill out this form so I can commence, and continue, creating for you on an hourly basis, as per my business practices as explained above.

    No restriction but will not exceed what a reasonable person may think is a reasonable amount of time.
  • Enter a dollar amount NOT to exceed. Leave blank if you checked the "Reasonable Time" field.
  • Enter the maximum number of hours. Leave blank if you checked the "Reasonable Time" field.
  • By entering your full name and submitting this form, you hereby accept and agree to the terms above and to pay the related invoice upon receipt.