Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Half the people you know are below average.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Is there another word for synonym?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I am “Highly Excessible“ – I am nearly always available to go above and beyond!
No, I didn’t spell it correctly and yes, I did make it up!
As much as I’d like to be available to all my clients, all the time, I have to take those other clients into account… So I’ve created these business practices to hopefully keep everyone satisfied!
- Project time is billed in 15 minute increments
- Minimum billing time is half an hour (1/2 hour)
- Projects are invoiced on the 15th and at the end of every month
- Invoices will be emailed to clients and are due upon receipt
- Rush projects are subject to a 50% surcharge (typically those needed within 24 hours)
- Communication is key!
Payments can be sent either by check to:
288 Dorset G
Boca Raton, FL 33434
Or contactless via PayPal – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account! Click here to make a payment!
Hourly Billing Agreement
You have retained us on an hourly basis. We will bill you for graphic design, and/or any other required services, at a rate previously discussed and indicated below.
COSTS: You agree to pay for all actual out-of-pocket costs we incur on your behalf and upon your authorization.
BILLING: We will bill you on a bimonthly basis for services performed in the preceding two weeks. The emailed invoice will identify the services performed, the time spent on these services, the fees charged for those services, and costs incurred. You have ten (10) days from the date of the invoice to contest any charges contained in the bill. If we do not hear from you, the bill will be deemed acceptable to you and we will expect immediate payment (see above for easy payment methods).
Please fill out this form so I can commence, and continue, creating for you on an hourly basis, as per my business practices as explained above.