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The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Half the people you know are below average.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Business Practices

 

I am “Highly Excessible“ – I am nearly always available to go above and beyond!

No, I didn’t spell it correctly and yes, I did make it up!

As much as I’d like to be available to all my clients, all the time, I have to take those other clients into account… So I’ve created these business practices to hopefully keep everyone satisfied!

Practices:

  • Project time is billed in 15 minute increments
  • Minimum billing time is half an hour (1/2 hour)
  • Projects are invoiced at the end of every month
  • Invoices will be emailed to clients and are due upon receipt
  • Rush projects are subject to a 50% surcharge (typically those needed within 24 hours)
  • Projects requested to be worked on the weekend are subject to a 50% surcharge
  • Projects requested to be worked on after hours are subject to a 50% surcharge
  • Communication is key!

Payments:

Payments can be sent either by check to:

Empower Graphics
288 Dorset G
Boca Raton, FL 33434

Or contactless via PayPal – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account! Click here to make a payment!

 

Hourly Billing Agreement

You have retained us on an hourly basis. We will bill you for graphic design, and/or any other required services, at a rate previously discussed and indicated below.

COSTS: You agree to pay for all actual out-of-pocket costs we incur on your behalf and upon your authorization.

BILLING: We will bill you on a bimonthly basis for services performed in the preceding two weeks. The emailed invoice will identify the services performed, the time spent on these services, the fees charged for those services, and costs incurred. You have ten (10) days from the date of the invoice to contest any charges contained in the bill. If we do not hear from you, the bill will be deemed acceptable to you and we will expect immediate payment (see above for easy payment methods).

Please fill out this form so I can commence, and continue, creating for you on an hourly basis, as per my business practices as explained above.

    No restriction but will not exceed what a reasonable person may think is a reasonable amount of time.
  • Enter a dollar amount NOT to exceed. Leave blank if you checked the "Reasonable Time" field.
  • Enter the maximum number of hours. Leave blank if you checked the "Reasonable Time" field.
  • By entering your full name and submitting this form, you hereby accept and agree to the terms above and to pay the related invoice upon receipt.

    Note: If you're on a phone and cannot see the Submit button, please try turning your phone sideways. Thx.