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What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Is there another word for synonym?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Half the people you know are below average.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Business Practices

 

I am “Highly Excessible“ – I am nearly always available to go above and beyond!

No, I didn’t spell it correctly and yes, I did make it up!

As much as I’d like to be available to all my clients, all the time, I have to take those other clients into account… So I’ve created these business practices to hopefully keep everyone satisfied!

Practices:

  • Project time is billed in 15 minute increments
  • Minimum billing time is half an hour (1/2 hour)
  • Projects are invoiced on the 15th and at the end of every month
  • Invoices will be emailed to clients and are due upon receipt
  • Rush projects are subject to a 50% surcharge (typically those needed within 24 hours)
  • Communication is key!

Payments:

Payments can be sent either by check to:

Empower Graphics
288 Dorset G
Boca Raton, FL 33434

Or contactless via PayPal – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account! Click here to make a payment!

 

Hourly Billing Agreement

You have retained us on an hourly basis. We will bill you for graphic design, and/or any other required services, at a rate previously discussed and indicated below.

COSTS: You agree to pay for all actual out-of-pocket costs we incur on your behalf and upon your authorization.

BILLING: We will bill you on a bimonthly basis for services performed in the preceding two weeks. The emailed invoice will identify the services performed, the time spent on these services, the fees charged for those services, and costs incurred. You have ten (10) days from the date of the invoice to contest any charges contained in the bill. If we do not hear from you, the bill will be deemed acceptable to you and we will expect immediate payment (see above for easy payment methods).

Please fill out this form so I can commence, and continue, creating for you on an hourly basis, as per my business practices as explained above.

  • Enter a dollar amount NOT to exceed.
  • Enter the maximum number of hours.
  • By entering your full name and submitting this form, you hereby accept and agree to the terms above and to pay the related invoice upon receipt.