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If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Half the people you know are below average.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Is there another word for synonym?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Business Practices

 

I am “Highly Excessible“ – I am nearly always available to go above and beyond!

No, I didn’t spell it correctly and yes, I did make it up!

As much as I’d like to be available to all my clients, all the time, I have to take those other clients into account… So I’ve created these business practices to hopefully keep everyone satisfied!

Practices:

  • Project time is billed in 15 minute increments
  • Minimum billing time is half an hour (1/2 hour)
  • Projects are invoiced on the 15th and at the end of every month
  • Invoices will be emailed to clients and are due upon receipt
  • Rush projects are subject to a 50% surcharge (typically those needed within 24 hours)
  • Communication is key!

Payments:

Payments can be sent either by check to:

Empower Graphics
288 Dorset G
Boca Raton, FL 33434

Or contactless via PayPal – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account! Click here to make a payment!

 

Hourly Billing Agreement

You have retained us on an hourly basis. We will bill you for graphic design, and/or any other required services, at a rate previously discussed and indicated below.

COSTS: You agree to pay for all actual out-of-pocket costs we incur on your behalf and upon your authorization.

BILLING: We will bill you on a bimonthly basis for services performed in the preceding two weeks. The emailed invoice will identify the services performed, the time spent on these services, the fees charged for those services, and costs incurred. You have ten (10) days from the date of the invoice to contest any charges contained in the bill. If we do not hear from you, the bill will be deemed acceptable to you and we will expect immediate payment (see above for easy payment methods).

Please fill out this form so I can commence, and continue, creating for you on an hourly basis, as per my business practices as explained above.

    No restriction but will not exceed what a reasonable person may think is a reasonable amount of time.
  • Enter a dollar amount NOT to exceed. Leave blank if you checked the "Reasonable Time" field.
  • Enter the maximum number of hours. Leave blank if you checked the "Reasonable Time" field.
  • By entering your full name and submitting this form, you hereby accept and agree to the terms above and to pay the related invoice upon receipt.

    Note: If you're on a phone and cannot see the Submit button, please try turning your phone sideways. Thx.