Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Half the people you know are below average.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I am “Highly Excessible“ – I am nearly always available to go above and beyond!
No, I didn’t spell it correctly and yes, I did make it up!
As much as I’d like to be available to all my clients, all the time, I have to take those other clients into account… So I’ve created these business practices to hopefully keep everyone satisfied!
- Project time is billed in 15 minute increments
- Minimum billing time is half an hour (1/2 hour)
- Projects are invoiced on the 15th and at the end of every month
- Invoices will be emailed to clients and are due upon receipt
- Rush projects are subject to a 50% surcharge (typically those needed within 24 hours)
- Communication is key!
Payments can be sent either by check to:
288 Dorset G
Boca Raton, FL 33434
Or contactless via PayPal – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account! Click here to make a payment!
Hourly Billing Agreement
You have retained us on an hourly basis. We will bill you for graphic design, and/or any other required services, at a rate previously discussed and indicated below.
COSTS: You agree to pay for all actual out-of-pocket costs we incur on your behalf and upon your authorization.
BILLING: We will bill you on a bimonthly basis for services performed in the preceding two weeks. The emailed invoice will identify the services performed, the time spent on these services, the fees charged for those services, and costs incurred. You have ten (10) days from the date of the invoice to contest any charges contained in the bill. If we do not hear from you, the bill will be deemed acceptable to you and we will expect immediate payment (see above for easy payment methods).
Please fill out this form so I can commence, and continue, creating for you on an hourly basis, as per my business practices as explained above.