Select Page

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Is there another word for synonym?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Business Practices

 

I am “Highly Excessible“ – I am nearly always available to go above and beyond!

No, I didn’t spell it correctly and yes, I did make it up!

As much as I’d like to be available to all my clients, all the time, I have to take those other clients into account… So I’ve created these business practices to hopefully keep everyone satisfied!

Practices:

  • Project time is billed in 15 minute increments
  • Minimum billing time is half an hour (1/2 hour)
  • Projects are invoiced on the 15th and at the end of every month
  • Invoices will be emailed to clients and are due upon receipt
  • Rush projects are subject to a 50% surcharge (typically those needed within 24 hours)
  • Communication is key!

Payments:

Payments can be sent either by check to:

Empower Graphics
288 Dorset G
Boca Raton, FL 33434

Or contactless via PayPal – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account! Click here to make a payment!

 

Hourly Billing Agreement

You have retained us on an hourly basis. We will bill you for graphic design, and/or any other required services, at a rate previously discussed and indicated below.

COSTS: You agree to pay for all actual out-of-pocket costs we incur on your behalf and upon your authorization.

BILLING: We will bill you on a bimonthly basis for services performed in the preceding two weeks. The emailed invoice will identify the services performed, the time spent on these services, the fees charged for those services, and costs incurred. You have ten (10) days from the date of the invoice to contest any charges contained in the bill. If we do not hear from you, the bill will be deemed acceptable to you and we will expect immediate payment (see above for easy payment methods).

Please fill out this form so I can commence, and continue, creating for you on an hourly basis, as per my business practices as explained above.

    No restriction but will not exceed what a reasonable person may think is a reasonable amount of time.
  • Enter a dollar amount NOT to exceed. Leave blank if you checked the "Reasonable Time" field.
  • Enter the maximum number of hours. Leave blank if you checked the "Reasonable Time" field.
  • By entering your full name and submitting this form, you hereby accept and agree to the terms above and to pay the related invoice upon receipt.

    Note: If you're on a phone and cannot see the Submit button, please try turning your phone sideways. Thx.