A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Half the people you know are below average.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
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