One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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