Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Half the people you know are below average.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Is there another word for synonym?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
What do people in China call their good plates?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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