How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What do people in China call their good plates?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Half the people you know are below average.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Is there another word for synonym?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
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