Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Half the people you know are below average.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is there another word for synonym?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
What do people in China call their good plates?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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