Is there another word for synonym?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
What do people in China call their good plates?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Half the people you know are below average.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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