How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What do people in China call their good plates?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Half the people you know are below average.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
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