Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Half the people you know are below average.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.