If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
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