If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What do people in China call their good plates?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Half the people you know are below average.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Is there another word for synonym?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
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