How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Half the people you know are below average.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What do people in China call their good plates?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
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