She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Is there another word for synonym?
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