Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Half the people you know are below average.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Is there another word for synonym?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Logo Design Questionnaire
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