If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Half the people you know are below average.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
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