Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Half the people you know are below average.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Is there another word for synonym?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
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