Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Half the people you know are below average.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Is there another word for synonym?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
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