When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Half the people you know are below average.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
