The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Is there another word for synonym?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What do people in China call their good plates?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Half the people you know are below average.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
