Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Half the people you know are below average.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Is there another word for synonym?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What do people in China call their good plates?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
