Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Is there another word for synonym?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Half the people you know are below average.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
