When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Half the people you know are below average.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Business Practices
I am “Highly Excessible“ – I am nearly always available to go above and beyond!
No, I didn’t spell it correctly and yes, I did make it up!
As much as I’d like to be available to all my clients, all the time, I have to take those other clients into account… So I’ve created these business practices to hopefully keep everyone satisfied!
Practices:
- Project time is billed in 15 minute increments
- Minimum billing time is half an hour (1/2 hour)
- Projects are invoiced at the end of every month
- Invoices will be emailed to clients and are due upon receipt
- Rush projects are subject to a 50% surcharge (typically those needed within 24 hours)
- Projects requested to be worked on the weekend are subject to a 50% surcharge
- Projects requested to be worked on after hours are subject to a 50% surcharge
- Communication is key!
Payments:
Payments can be sent either by check to:
Empower Graphics
288 Dorset G
Boca Raton, FL 33434
Or contactless via PayPal – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account! Click here to make a payment!
Hourly Billing Agreement
You have retained us on an hourly basis. We will bill you for graphic design, and/or any other required services, at a rate previously discussed and indicated below.
COSTS: You agree to pay for all actual out-of-pocket costs we incur on your behalf and upon your authorization.
BILLING: We will bill you on a bimonthly basis for services performed in the preceding two weeks. The emailed invoice will identify the services performed, the time spent on these services, the fees charged for those services, and costs incurred. You have ten (10) days from the date of the invoice to contest any charges contained in the bill. If we do not hear from you, the bill will be deemed acceptable to you and we will expect immediate payment (see above for easy payment methods).
Please fill out this form so I can commence, and continue, creating for you on an hourly basis, as per my business practices as explained above.