Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Half the people you know are below average.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Is there another word for synonym?
Testimonials
...the best business decision you can make...
“To all the lucky souls and corporations that get the opportunity to work with Eric, at Empower Graphics, count your decision to work with him as the best business decision you can make regarding the image of your company!! After forty years in the professional beauty and music industries, and working with designers such as Calvin Klein, Sam Brocato, Graham Webb and Robert Taylor – industry icons – I must say Eric’s creativity, attention to detail, and his tell-it-like-it-is attitude and honest feedback is unique. His outstanding work is always on time and he goes the extra mile every time!! People like this don’t exist anymore in business!!! Eric has inspired me to create again… I would, with extreme confidence, recommend Eric to anyone who is searching for excellence in the graphic design field – excellence in design and image, and more important, an honest man!!”
Gene Martignetti
Owner/Founder
MariaMaira Music/Beauty, SoBe Beauty Services
Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.
“Arixa Capital Advisors is an investment management firm and my role with the firm is investor relations and marketing. I have worked with Eric on several graphic design projects, creating marketing collateral to appeal to high net worth individuals as well as institutional investors. Eric also designed our website, which is incredible. Eric’s work is superb with respect to design and attention to detail. It has been difficult finding people who have standards high enough to work with us. If you are a company with high standards like ours, you will find it a pleasure working with Eric. Additionally, he is very attentive to our needs even though we are on the west coast and he is on the east coast. If I send Eric a project in the evening it is often in my inbox waiting for me the next morning.
For internal political reasons and due to concerns about geography we have tried other designers on a couple of occasions to disastrous effect. We turned back to Eric to salvage both of these projects, which he did with alacrity and professionalism. I will continue to use Eric for my graphic design needs due to his superb work product, responsiveness and professionalism. Good people are hard to find and Eric is good people.”
Kevin Zvargulis
Arixa Capital Advisors
Eric was like a breath of fresh air.
“We have been working with Eric Michalowsky and Empower Graphics since December of 2007. It was very important to my company that we find someone who was not only creative, brand aware and in tune with our corporate goals but also someone we could count on to produce our creative on time and to strict budget constraints. After battling with a “big firm” who seemed to drop the ball and not give us the attention we deserved, Eric was like a breath of fresh air. Suddenly work was being completed far ahead of schedule and to our specifications. Eric has partnered with us to create everything necessary for not only 2 retail location openings but also all the marketing materials and collateral we have needed for the franchise division of our company. His knowledge of, and adherence to, appropriate branding guidelines and procedures has ensured our brand remains strong and as originally intended. I would highly recommend Eric and Empower Graphics.”
Nicole Johnson
Cool Yogurt/That Cool Yogurt Company
Eric opened my eyes a few years ago...
His response time, design quality, and attention to detail forced me to abandon my search for a permanent designer.
I was anxious that the 3-hour time difference would be problematic, but that has not been the case. In fact, more often than not, I’m able to wake up in California to new design changes waiting for me in my inbox.”
Greyson Prinzing
Riot Creative Imaging
I highly recommend ...
“Eric Michalowsky has done great work for our companies! He has designed logos, advertisements and business cards for us. In addition, he upgraded our web site. Eric consistently provides excellent advice and more importantly he provides exceptional design services. Working with Eric, I feel like I’m getting the creativity of a large advertising firm. Eric is very responsive and turns around our design requests very quickly. I highly recommend Eric Michalowsky and Empower Graphics.”
Jeffrey Kramer, CPA
Partner
Kramer Weisman and Associates, LLP
Eric really listens, ...
“As the owner of a small business that is growing very quickly, it becomes very hard to focus on every detail of the business, yet it is important to feel comfortable that everything is under control and being taken care of the way that you want. It was hard to find a graphic designer that works for me and really listens to what I need rather than doing what they think is best for our business, until I met Eric, and started working with Empower Graphics. Eric really listens, and I know if I ask him to help me get something done that I don’t have to worry about it again. He works fast, is very detail oriented and has gone above and beyond on every project that we have worked on together. It has really been a pleasure working with Empower Graphics, and we look forward to continuing the relationship as we continue to grow our business.”
Gino Martignetti
General Manager
Simply Organic
...a lot of care and personal attention ...
“I started a pet business a year ago and hired Eric and his team to develop my company name, design all my stationery, catalogs and the website for Fleabag Designs Inc. He then helped me with another venture – Cotton Candy Promotions. His work is clean, it’s creative and he’s very detailed. He puts a lot of care and personal attention into all his projects. Eric’s been a real pleasure to work with and the best part is we both work from each of our own offices. We’ve never had to have a meeting in person, which saved me a lot of time as my office is located in the southwest. He comes highly recommended in my opinion!”
Lori Marohnic
Fleabag Designs, Inc.
...placed our best interests above their own...
“Thank you for the outstanding work and client service we received. Your guidance and candidness was greatly appreciated. Finally, a team who placed our best interests above their own bottom line. The work produced was top-shelf and the service we received was excellent. We would highly recommend your firm as we believe you are head and shoulders above the rest!”
David Hausdorff
South Beach Supplements
...understands our needs...
“I have been a graphic design client of Empower Graphics and Eric Michalowsky, in multiple businesses, for over 12 years. In those years, his modus operandi of under-promising and over-delivering has kept Eric as our design firm of choice. We hope to enjoy our mutually beneficial relationship for years to come. The Empower Graphics team understands our needs, initially prepares a few different samples to zero in on our particular requirements and desires, and then completes the project with effective-out-of-the-box thinking. We really appreciate their resourcefulness, prompt service and the knowledge that they will get the job done, on time and within budget. Thanks, Empower Graphics and good luck in your new endeavors.”
Jonny Girson
The Learning Tree
...refuses to disappoint...
“Brilliantly creative, refuses to disappoint, a pleasure to work with.”
Olga Sanz
NuTush, Inc.
I would never consider working with anyone else...
“DiveWise is an organization I founded after nearly losing my two sons to freediver blackout two years ago. Working to reduce fatal blackout incidents worldwide became my new mission in life, and I knew that to be successful I would need to create an organization and a brand that could effectively communicate my message.
From the beginning of this project I sought the expert branding and graphic design talent of Eric Michalowsky at Empower Graphics. I attribute a lot of the success of DiveWise to Eric’s work on everything from our logo to the magazine ads, which have appeared in publications around the world. I get a lot of terrific compliments to the DiveWise website from divers and dive experts worldwide.
This year I was the National Award recipient from the National Water Safety Congress for my work in promoting water safety. I know, without a doubt, this is largely due to Eric’s involvement in our freedive safety campaign. I love working with Eric because, although he is artistic, he works well collaboratively. He is upbeat and makes every job fun. His commitment to excellence and customer satisfaction, in my opinion, is what sets him apart from the competition.
Honestly, I would never consider working with anyone else.”
Julie Richardson
Founder/Executive Director
DiveWise