Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Half the people you know are below average.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What do people in China call their good plates?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Is there another word for synonym?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
PayPal
In the interest of making it really, really easy to get paid… simply click the button below, enter the amount and follow the steps – it’s really easy and you don’t even have to have a PayPal account!