Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Half the people you know are below average.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What do people in China call their good plates?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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