Banning the bra was a big flop.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Half the people you know are below average.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Logo Design Questionnaire
Please answer all questions to the best of your ability. The more information I have, the better and more appropriate the final result will be!