Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Is there another word for synonym?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
