What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What do people in China call their good plates?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Is there another word for synonym?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Logo Design
If I had my druthers, I’d design logos all day every day! In order to ease the process, I have developed three levels of logo design programs, based upon the size and competition of your business.
Tier One is typically for people who already have an idea of what they want but just need it “electrified”. Tier Two is for a relatively small business that just needs an appropriate logo and a business card. Tier Three is for larger companies that require a deeper dive into competition and includes elements such as a Branding Guidelines document – this is a PDF you would send to anyone who has a touchpoint with your logo, explaining how to use it, and more importantly, how NOT to use it and the brand. Click here for an example of Branding Guidelines.
Logo prices are as per the graphic below. If you let me know in which Tier you’re interested in pursuing, I will send you a quote to sign and initialize. Receipt of this signed quote and a 50% deposit will be my authorization to commence creativity.
