If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is there another word for synonym?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Half the people you know are below average.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
